in orbit

I mostly talk about video games and the world wide web

Jul22007

More Than Meets... Something

In the movie industrie's growing impatience, midnight showings seem to have been bumped down to 9pm, or even 8pm showings. I recall the big stink over Transformers being released on 7.4.7 (it's on all the posters) which was then shifted to 7.3.7... thusly seeing it on 7.2.7 was accomplished. I suppose it was midnight somewhere.

I sort of grew up with Transformers. The original series ran from 1984 - 1987, which means I was six when it was canceled. Of course it was rerun many, many times while the series and toys were milked for about ten years until Beast Wars (the second iteration of the series) came out.

I've always been a opponent of nostalgia. Not in the sense that I don't think people should have it, but in the sense that thinking all the shit you enjoyed as a child was awesome and is untouchable is just silly. You will always have the memories, no matter how crappy the TV show was. I would argue that the vast majority, if not the entirety, of animated children's programs produced before 1992 (that's when the Batman animated series came out, which by the way still has its own set of issues) were rather poor in quality. Transformers was most definitely in that category. Silly plots, bad animation, mediocre voice acting, poor writing all plagued the original series with a few exceptions (Frank Welker, voice of Megatron and Soundwave and probably a fuckload of others, remains one of the greatest voice actors of our time, and Peter Cullen, voice of Optimus Prime (as well as Eeyore if you are familiar with Winnie the Pooh), has pretty much the perfect voice and delivery for the role). I've watched a few episodes recently, and the original movie, and they do not hold up to viewings today. Still, there's always been something special about Transforming robots that like to shoot each other with lasers and cause property damage that probably makes insurance companies want to add 'giant robot damage' clauses to their policies.

Anyway the point of all that was I don't care if Michael Bay 'rapes my childhood' because the very concept of such a thing is stupid. Transformers could have been two hours of Optimus Prime and Megatron having gay robot sex and peeing on Chris Latta's grave (who, by the way, aside from being Starscream and Cobra Commander (I never watched GI Joe) was also the original voice of Mr. Burns back in '89-'90) and it wouldn't have mattered because a) you can't take away my childhood memories and b) the original series sucked anyway, so get the fuck over it.

Oh right, so there was a movie. Essentially it's exactly what you'd expect from Transformers and Michael Bay. There are large robots who transform from various vehicles into robot form. Half of these large robots are Decepticons, and the other half are Autobots. Decepticons and Autobots are like Democrats and Republicans (I'll let you decide which is which) in that they fucking despise each other, but in the end they're all giant assholes who like to wreck up the place.

Also as with Transformers, there are a variety of humans who you honestly don't care about. In fact they are kind of annoying. There's the main character, Sam Witwicky, who does a decent job of comedic delivery, and his way over the fucking top parents. He's also got a girlfriend who is hot, only she's not his girlfriend until the very end of the movie, but rather just some random chick he lures into his car. Then there's some NSA/hacker kids but their plot never goes anywhere, but one of them is a hot blonde with an accent I can't quite place, and the other is a hilarious fat black man, which is just asking for wacky hijinks. Their plot never goes anywhere. In fact I don't even remember what happened to them, and I don't really care.

The movie spends some time meandering since Sam has purchased a car that turns out to be an Autobot but he's also trying to pick up girls... I don't know. There are a couple Decepticon fights, and by fights I mean they fuck the humans up. Then just when you're getting tired of human banter and obvious jokes fucking Bumblebee finally calls in the calvary and a few more Autobots show up. From where? Space. That's all that needs to be said.

Following that we get an awesome sequence where Sam looks for some glasses in his room (the Autobots need them for... something) while the gigantic Autobots attempt to hide from his parents. I know it sounds weird but it was quite amusing.

After that they finally get to fucking shit up and there are some really well done fight sequences and lots of explosions and tons and tons of property damage. Megatron is only in the movie for about a half hour, and he's not overly menacing. Also the final fight ends sort of abruptly and not at all how I was expecting it to (it's almost anti-climactic). However, the lack of a decent story or any sort of meaningful character development can be overlooked because in the end it is giant transforming robots with lasers shooting the shit out of each other. And in the end, isn't that what really matters? Yes. Yes it is.
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Phrases that require erradiction from human knowledge:
1. raped my childhood
2. fuck the haters
3. put your pussy ass to my face

Jul. 4, 2007 (11:54pm EST)

I recently stetrad a blog, and I was just wondering how people have promoted their blogs online to get more followers so you aren't just typing to nothing out in the internet?. Oh, and for my blog, I don't really want my friends to be my followers, unless they find it on their own. My blog is about something that most of my friend's can't really help me with. (Photography is the main subject).

Jul. 1, 2013 (7:26pm EST)